Harry Potter and the Reign of Mary Sue
by Valentine's Riddle
Summary: A new girl has arrived at Hogwarts, and suddenly strange things seem to be happening... strange things in the world of Canon, that is... to those of us versed in Fanon, it was only the inevitable! Parody Oneshot. Please R&R!


**A/N: This is, without doubt, the weirdest fic I've ever written. Basically it just popped into my head and wouldn't go away. It takes the piss out of basically every author that ever lived, myself and my D/G obsession included. It follows on that no offense is meant to anyone, so NO FLAMES, please! I do refer a lot to the Americanisation of fanfiction at the beginning, due to the fact that I had just read one of those fics full of references to "moms", "semesters" and "proms" when I wrote it, but the rest of it is aimed at Harry Potter fanfiction in general. It's just a jokey parody of all the clichés and stuff that we are all so fond of. I'm not that keen on the end, and it'll probably be revised and expanded, but in the meantime, enjoy. It's set at the beginning of Sixth Year, but is no means compatible. You'll see what I mean...**

**Oh, and I'm working on the next chapters of JPMD and NJAP. Never fear! - Riddle Xx**

Harry Potter and the Reign of the Mary Sues

No one could have predicted any of it.

Well, no one at _Hogwarts_ could have predicted it. To a fanfiction author, it would have been painfully obvious. But there is a sad lack of fanfiction authors at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. After all, without Harry Potter books, what is there to write about? Nothing, I tell you. Nothing. And you can hardly write fanfiction about your friends. Stalkerish, much?

It all started on the first day of Harry, Ron and Hermione's seventh year. Chaos ensued.

The journey on the train had been pretty normal. Harry and Ginny mooned and angsted over each other, Hermione and Ron argued, and Luna went on and _on _ad nauseam about the latest theories concerning Cornelius Fudge's nymphomaniac house-elf, which was _obviously _a Death Eater in disguise.

Sadly, it all ended when they arrived at Hogwarts.

The four students took their seats at the Gryffindor table, happily talking about whatever teenage sorcerers talk about- because it seems that having that magical gene automatically absolves them of all the normal teenage obsessions of sex, booze, sex, fags, sex, drugs, fashion, sex, rap and more sex that normally plague the teenage population, and as such neither Ron nor Harry had even seen even _one_ soft-core porno. It was lucky they went to Hogwarts, really, because sending them to a normal school would have destroyed the poor boys, not least because neither of them even knew what Football Manager _was_, let alone how to play the PlayStation game...

They waited as Dumbledore took his place at the podium that didn't used to be there, but Dumbledore had installed after getting in a lengthy discussion with a guy called Mike Newell in the Hog's Head. He had also started wearing an odd hat and tying his beard in a ponytail. He was suddenly rather aggressive, and his accent had changed practically overnight. But none of this was worrying... yet.

"Good evening!" roared Dumbledore excitedly. He never used to roar, but after talking to this Newell character thought it might be the best way to exert his authority. Next thing you knew he'd be marching in Edinburgh's Gay Pride Parade...

"Before we have our feast, I have a few announcements!" everyone shut up and listened. "Now, we aren't doing the Sorting this year, as it takes too much time that could be taken up with romance, etc. First Years just pick whichever table you like the look of best".

There was a scramble as all the First Years sprinted in clumps to the tables. All chose either Gryffindor or Slytherin, with one little girl choosing Hufflepuff seemingly for the sole reason that the magically not deceased Cedric Diggory was sitting at its head looking exceedingly handsome in the candlelight. Occasional eye candy aside, it's not like there was anyone interesting in any of the other houses.

"Fantastic!" cried Dumbledore, with a giggle. "Now, on to more important matters. We have a new transfer student!" Everyone in the hall gaped. Not only because never in the history of Hogwarts had a student joined after First Year, but because no one in the British educational system ever intentionally used the words "Transfer Student". New pupil, maybe. New girl. But never transfer.

Hermione gave Ginny a darkly knowing look. Ginny gulped. Both had a mournful feeling unexpectedly rising in the pits of their stomachs. Hermione could feel the Pumpkin Pasties she had consumed on the train rising back up her digestive system, although it was probably due to the fact that seemingly wanting to get rid of all his foodstuffs in preparation for the Feast, Ron had consumed four Cauldron Cakes, a packet of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans and a rather old and cranky looking Chocolate Frog that was seemingly glad to be put out of its misery. Oh, did I mention that they were all in his mouth at the same time, meaning that he couldn't close it? Yeah. That too.

"She's just come all the way from America!" Cue more gaping. Ginny hissed.

"What, they don't have schools in the States?" she muttered mutinously.

"So, without further ado, let me introduce... Mary Sue!" The doors to the Entrance Hall opened and everyone gaped as a girl came through. She glided up between the tables, smiling shyly, and hardly seeming to notice the hatred that was coming in waves off all the girls. She had blonde hair that fell in light waves over her shoulders, curves in all the right places, and was wearing a Panic! At the Disco T-shirt, despite it being only 1997 and Brendon Urie's only being about ten years old and had never asked anyone to "Open the Goddamn Door" in his life. Needless to say, none of the girls were giving her nice looks.

"Mary Sue's arrival brings me to some more important announcements!" called Dumbledore over the wolf whistles and, in the girls' and especially Ginny's case, mutinous muttering. "In light of this wonderful day" he beamed at Mary Sue "I feel the time is ripe to introduce some changes at Hogwarts, to help Mary Sue settle in some more" Hermione's furious gaze could have felled a man at ten paces. Unfortunately, Dumbledore was at least twenty away and so continued to talk.

"Firstly, we will no longer have school uniforms, allowing students such as Mary Sue to wear tank tops and short skirts to class" said Dumbledore, beaming. "We will have dances- no, not _balls_ Mr Weasley, that's far too British, _dances_- at the end of every term, at which students must wear these "prom dress" and "tuxedo" creations instead of dress robes. The term "term" will no longer be used, in favour of "semester". "Fall" will also replace "Autumn". For example, this term- I mean, semester, will be the "Fall semester"

Hermione and Ginny both cracked their knuckles loudly on the tabletop.

"I have spoken to the House Elves, and we have mutually decided to remove Yorkshire Puddings from the school menu. We feel this name will be misleading for our new American student," ("Pupil!" hissed Hermione. "_PUPIL!")- _"As it makes Yorkshire Puddings sound like desserts, when they are in fact actually eaten with roast beef. Now, let us Sort Mary Sue!"

The Hat was placed on her head. It screamed "GRYFFINDOR!"

The boys at their table hollered and wolf whistled, but Ginny was seething.

"Look, Hermione, she's coming over here!" she hissed, looking absolutely ferocious.

"Hi" said the girl, sitting down next to Harry, who looked like Christmas had come early.

"Hi, I'm Harry. How come you've come to Hogwarts?"

"Oh" the girl suddenly went quiet, and a stricken look of utter loneliness and misery crossed her beautiful face. She looked like the kind of girl who could go to lessons after spending the entire night with someone in the Room of Requirement, and still look understatedly beautiful. "My parents were killed by Death Eaters, and it wasn't safe for me to stay at home. I don't know what's going to happen to me, but my grandfather is trying to force me to marry a pureblood." A glazed expression had come over Ginny's face.

"Hermione" she whispered, staring at her plate as though it was playing reruns of _Friends_. "That sounds so, so familiar..." Hermione looked rather out of it, and then jumped and gave her a strange look.

"Sorry, I was fantasizing about skinning her alive. What were you saying?"

Ginny suddenly gasped.

"FANFICTION!"

Hermione coughed, to cover her words.

"Err, Ginny, I know you don't like the look of the new girl, but-"

"_I'm not unhinged_!" spat Ginny. "I was reading fanfiction over the summer, and I swear that was the plot of one of them! And a Mary Sue refers to some girl that an author dumps into a story to steal all the guys! It is!" Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"Great. So, what happened next in this story?"

"I can't remember. There were so many, and they were all so similar, they all kind of merged into one..." Hermione wasn't listening.

"Ginny" she whispered. "Draco Malfoy is _staring_ at you"

"Wha- oh no!" Ginny gasped. "That happened in some of them too! I was mourning the loss of Tom, the boy who had captivated my young heart, and Draco was the bad boy who managed to drag me out of my lethargy to save myself, and then the love of me saved him from the clutches of his family to join the ranks of the good side!" Hermione scoffed.

"What rubbish, eh?" Ginny didn't answer, and Hermione turned to talk to Harry and Ron.

"You always do that" said Ginny, with a dark look on her face. "Run off with your precious Golden Trio-"

"My precious _what_?"

"And you don't even care what happens to me! At least Tom paid attention, made me feel special-"

"Ginny!" hissed Hermione. "Listen to yourself!" Ginny paled.

"It's happening! Hermione, it's happening, I've got feelings for that depraved paedophile, what do I do, _what do I do_?"

Hermione looked panic-stricken.

"I don't know! But Ginny, what _else_ happened in these... _fanfictions_... you read?" Ginny looked nervous and took a sip from her goblet before spitting it out.

"What the _hell_ is that?"

"Coke" said Hermione. "The house-elves must be on a Muggle kick. Either that or this is your crazy story taking over again. Come on, what else happened? We have to stop it!"

"Well, there were so many... quite often Harry was portrayed as a bit-"

"You know, Ginny, black makes you look really washed out" interrupted Harry.

"-gay" said Ginny, who was surprisingly quite unfazed. Hermione suspected this meant that there was worse to come.

"And me?" said Hermione, who had gone quite pale.

"Err, well, the best is Harry" said Ginny. Hermione looked faintly nauseous.

"_Harry_?!"

"That's the best you can do, I'm afraid" said Ginny grimly. "Next in line is Draco"

"WHAT?"

"And then there's... well, it's kinder for me not to say"

"Spill"

"Hermione, have you ever had a detention?"

"No"

"Expect that to change"

"What?!"

"Expect to get quite a few"

"Huh?"

"With Snape"

"WHAT?!"

"And maybe some spanking. But I didn't really go on the 'Adult Fan Fiction' page that much, so I can't be sure how many of those there were. Quite a few, I'd guess, from the amount people refer to them"

"Oh my God"

"Don't feel sorry for yourself. I'm probably going to end up in an arranged marriage with Draco- if Mary Sue doesn't get there first" Both girls simultaneously gave the blonde a nasty look.

"Anything else?"

"Well, Luna and Blaise usually got it on in fics with me and Draco... there was a LOT of Truth and Dare... there were special dorms for the Head Boy and Girl to share..."

"Okay, okay, but more importantly" said Hermione "_How do we stop it_"

"Err..." said Ginny. "I'm not sure. I mean, they've never started coming true before. Have they?"

"Do you think" said Hermione, with a frown. "Do you think that a _wizard _could be behind this?" Ginny looked up in surprise, and then sighed with realisation.

"Of course! That would explain _everything_!" she caught Draco's eye, and he gave her an intense, brooding sort of look. She shuddered, although she had to admit to herself that a forced marriage with a piece of ass like _that_ wouldn't be worthy of suicide. She was glad it wasn't her who would land up with Snape- although, now to think of it, Hermione could probably use her feminine wiles to convince him to use shampoo, which could only be a good thing.

"A charm, I think" muttered Hermione. "It would be very advanced, I think, to make it come true. But the question is... who?"

"Who what?"

"Who would want all this to happen? Was there anything else in these stories which could give us a hint? What else happened?"

"Err... Remus and Sirius got it on, a_ lot_, we had a Halloween dance and "midterm" exams, whatever the hell _they're _supposed to be... people transformed the Room of Requirement into a huge bedroom to have sex in, we were allowed to wear our own clothes, Dumbledore lives-"

"THAT'S IT!" shrieked Hermione, deflecting the curious stares by following up with. "Of COURSE food is the last exception to Gamp's Elemental Law! How could I forget!", at which everyone in the vicinity promptly zoned out and she then lowered her voice. "_Dumbledore_! Didn't Harry say Draco has a job to do? You said that in all these fanfictions, you saved Draco from the Dark Side!"

"It was you, sometimes" admitted Ginny reluctantly. "I just didn't want to end up with Snape."

"Me and _Draco_?"

"Actually, more often you were kidnapped and ravished by Lucius" said Ginny conversationally. "Apparently he's rather good-"

"_Whatever_!" said Hermione. "The point is, Draco's job is to _kill Dumbledore_! This means, Dumbledore stands to gain a lot from this! His life, inter-house unity, which, let's face it, isn't going to happen any other way, and if you and Draco shag-"

"Hermione, _please_" said Ginny, although she looked rather tempted by the idea.

"We have to stop it!" said Hermione, looking determined. "I'll steal Harry's Invisibility Cloak, and sneak into Dumbledore's office, and burn the stories-"

"Wait, let's hold on a second" said Ginny. "If we do that, Dumbledore will die, and the good side is _doomed_!"

"Yeah, but there's no way in hell I'm going within three feet of Snape and his Slytherin coloured four-poster bed" snarled Hermione.

"How did you-"

"Never mind! We're doing it! Unless you'd rather be Mistress of Malfoy Manor?!" said Hermione, sounding unnecessarily shrill.

"Well, I have to say, it's a tempting- MERLIN'S BEARD! DRACO AND HARRY, HERMIONE! LOOK! LOOK!"

But Hermione didn't notice. She had taken one look at the plate of Pop Tarts that had just materialised in front of her and promptly- _mercifully_- passed out.

XxXxX


End file.
